It's that time of the month

I absolutely hate it when it's that time of the month. Not only are my cramps horrific..emotionally I am a wreck. I would say emotionally I have become very stoic, very guarded. I am particularly an open person when it comes to telling stories about myself or my experiences. I am an avid listener and I often try to analyze problems others may have and return a genuine response, but during this time of the month, I feel everything. I am overly emotional, over sensitive, and anxious. Now granted most people do experience these symptoms, but for me it just seems different. I feel incapable of controlling them, or controlling myself from experiencing it. I've built up such a wall that I don't expect much from anyone..and I feel as though I can not trust anyone and I generally do not. I've always been a caring person but lately I've seen myself in a cycle where I don't care so I don't hurt...and right now dealing with these waves of emotion..is unbearable..its like everything I tried to suppress always comes out...with this lack of emotion how can I truly love?

-beanz

Am I Weird?

Hello world... I tend to wonder if I am the only one who feels this way about dates... The truth is I hate going on dates I dread them and even more those words: "So when am I going to see you" ooooooooo I just want to hit the hills runin when I hear those words. I always wind up coming up with excuses as to why I cannot go... I know people are probably reading this thinking how dumb this is but... I really just don't like them unless I am the one who initiates them... I know I cannot be THE only one who feels this way...

Katt Williams

See what Katt Williams has to say about dating its pretty funny so I felt the need to share :-)

*Click the blog post title "Katt Williams" to go to the link*

-Mcgee

Holla not Hola!

Continuation....

So pretty much as I stated b4 this weekend has been tough for me. I have tried not to contact my homeboy because everything in me just wants to go to his house, spend the night and see what happens. We have a history in the past we have had relations, not intercourse per se...but let's just say I gave him something to eat. Haha. Anyways its soooo troubling. I have asked my co-workers if its considered cheating if that's all I want done again. They all agreed that it was but also encouraged the fact that I'm young and I should have "fun" and also emphasied that most men cheat anyways so what does it matter if "I get mine on." I have never intentionally cheated before and by intentional I mean, knowing I was going to do it, who I was going to do it with, and had a reason to do so. The one time I cheated it was a reaction to the abandonment and cheating of my former boyfriend but the way things played out I vowed never to do that again. I began to think about what my homeboy told me. About what he could be for me and how he wanted to take care of me. I remembered the energy between us and how he made me feel good. And then I remembered a couple of years ago and whe REALLY made me feel good..lol..but then I also remembered the loving and understanding Man that I have, and thought about if I really want to compromise what I have yet to experience with him for something that could simply just be hormones raging on both ends.

Its hard when temptation is sooo near but at the same time my homeboy has done nothing for me but lust after me. I am a fantasy for him something he hasn't fully aquired but wants to try. I am the symbolism of whatever lacked in his previous relationship. I feel as though if he gets what he wants from me, he will be satisfied to finally feel like its okay to go back to his girlfriend because he has spread his loins. But then again the fantasy goes both ways if I get what I want from him who's to say that a secret dirty situation won't sprout a continous cheaters syndrome. I just can't be that. I'm going to try to stay strong. If I can get through this, I know I can get through any other bump our budding relationship may encounter. So I'm going to work.. ughh who knew a long distance relationship would be so hard..I guess this is what people tried to warn me about, but honestly we really compliment one another so to ruin this would just be plain stupid...people may wonder how do you know he's holding up his end of the bargain, where he is? The truth is I don't know but I will have enough faith in us to believe that we are both working hard. The truth in anything always comes out. This is not my first relationship if anything were to occur there are plenty of men out there who will quickly snatch me up...but I don't want to think like that. I want have the faith that this will be the last relationship. So its holla not hola on this one. I'm going to work on this...

But its really. Really hard.

Beanz

Need a Different Name

So you say Im just a friend... What does that really translate into? How many "friends" to you have sex with? Do you kiss all your friends like that? Do you hold there hand or place your hand on their knee or cuddle? Is this what friends do? If so where dey do dat at? I think we need a different name... They're not just your friend darling... quit tryin to down play ya "friendship" as if it's merely nothing more than JUST "friends" n*gga please. C'mon!
On that note plies says in his song: "Even though Im not your man your not my girl Imma call you my Shawty" With that being said maybe that's what it is, but what do you call a guy? Is shawty politically correct? Is it unisex. If not then what is the correct terms?

A picture is worth a thousand words

So I was looking at my new feeds and just so happen to see a photo that my boo thang posted and almost sh*t in my pants... here he is with a few of his buddies and one of those buddies happen to be someone of my past... All I could do was shake my head... Dear God... now what do I do?

What is this feeling?

I am throughly excited, giddy, and on cloud nine well cloud nine is pushing it but im close... all over a text I received yesterday from my forever crush... Nothing has been able to bring me down from my natural "high" and I hope nothing does including and most especially the one who sent it to me ( Lord I hope & pray that it doesn't end, Amen)... I just hope it inhances ( Lord I hope I receive more, Amen). Its a good feeling one Ive not experienced in quite some time...

*McGee*

Men Don't Heal, We Ho

The kink i have attached is an exert from the book "Men Don't Heal, We Ho" by Stephen J Dixon. It's chapter 20 which is entitled: "Questions about Men". Happy Reading

(copy and paste this link in your browser www.relationshipbeast.com/files/Chapter20.pdf to view)



~McGee

Uh Oh...who you gonna call?

So...so far everything has been blissful in the wonderful world of Romeo (he) and Juliet (I)... but just as Romeo and Juliet were ill fated star crossed lovers, I'm scared that I may drink the poison first. I'm beginning to have my doubts. Good Ol' "maneater" Jewel is kicking in again. Maybe its the fact that I haven't been able to see him...maybe its the fact that I refuse to believe in fairy tales or that I can't explain the in-explainable which is the emotion of love...sooo i continue to run from it. My greatest fears in this thing called LOVE was that 1. It ends or 2. It begins with the wrong person and you're left to start 10 years of your life over once you realize this....ahhh (*sigh*)

Tonight I went out to dinner with one of my long time, considerably best male friends. He flew in for a business trip and we decided to catch up. He was staying at the Westin so it was only natural that we have dinner at the Sundial. (Uh-Oh) Now if you haven't been to the Sundial, first and foremost you're missing out, but if you have been you know that it is the ultimate couples haven! You wine and dine, while a slowly moving turntable circles you around the a 360 view of the beautiful city of Atlanta. It is a sight to see, especially at night. Now add a jazz quartet playing in the background, mood lights, and a glass of wine...and you get where this is going.




Anyways the setting was one made in heaven, and considering our history. My heart started to send a "What If" signal to my mind. I thought "what if he was my man?" "What if this night ended with more than just a hug good-bye?" "What if He's the one I'm supposed to be with?"...I couldn't look at him for moments at a time because these thoughts kept rushing to me...I couldn't see myself attempting to terminate something that is blossoming for something that had already been planted in the foundation of a "friendship"...So I brought Him (romeo) up so that I could divert my mind. My Bff...was shocked and amazed and wanted to know more about him, the whole "how? Story"...but I sensed he wanted to know more so that he could ease the "why" that caught him off guard...the "why" did you choose him? I would look away only to make a side eye to notice him staring at me. As we left the dinner table he walked remotely close to me, a sign I've been told to look out for, it's the subconscious way to show you really want to be with someone. He's pretty much been the one man to remain constant in my slew of men...and he knows all of my relationship woes and triumphs..I've been that woman..who has also remained constant in his life of hoes and triumphs...but I can't do that to (HIM) I can't allow myself to feel this way...sooo I will try to knock Cupid's arrow back towards my Romeo.

-Beanz

L.A.

Im back from L.A. My first time to L.A. and I am glad I was able to go and spend time with "him"!!! I really enjoyed Grammy weekend. I am in more "like" with him now... I spent 4 days with him :-) We had our romantic and cute moments which absolutely made me smile for days! I was smiling from ear to ear inside. Im so giddy it's ridiculous. I was so sad to leave him, it almost brought tears to my eyes but it's one of my weaknesses anyway... I am unsure of where we stand and quite frankly Im too chicken to ask. I am not sure how to bring it up but I am hoping the Lord will give me the strength & encouragement I need to get up the nerve to ask and I hope the end result is bearable and even better if it's what I want the situation to be :-)



*McGee

Man Down!!!

So what constitutes love? Is it something that can be measured ...When you say "I love you" does it mean that you genuinely love and appreciate the recipient of the phrase or is it something that can freely flow through ones lips? I'm just saying...I tell him I love him but i try to analyze the emotions that lead me to say such a thing. I know that I love him for he his and what he has been to and for me...but I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether or not there is a difference in whether you love someone or if you have fallen in love...but then again which one has the capacity to dissolve first? Ahhh Fuck Love.....

-Beanz

Live in the moment

Well hello again... Someone told me that you should do what you want to do so that you get what you want out the situation. In the case it doesn't work out you at least got what you wanted out of it. For instance initiate or have sex because you want it and not the other person... makes sense. Live for the moment. This can potentially help avoid "feelings" My new advice and a way of thinking about things. Fun times in L.A. with "him".

PS. a more detailed blog to come once I return home from L.A.

-Mcgee