houston we have a problem

So I realize I have a problem...I think I'm scared of commitment! Yea I know to realize and to think something are two different planes...but its a problem I'm sure of but the self doubt comes from the reason of why that's behind it. So in my last post I basically broke up with my bf..and I felt free...but now there's another guy in the picture and he likes me equally as much...yet..now I'm scared to go further with it...maybe because the thrill of the chase never ensued...I don't know...but then there's this other guy who is my on again off again sometime love...and I find myself enjoying him more even though everything about us is sooo unclear...there's no real idea on whether we will be together or not..or even if we will work..but its that ambiguity that makes me latch on and enjoy...yet I know that the new guy in the picture wants to be with me.. heck even my ex wants to get back together...yet I run away from it...I run far...far away..ughh what's wrong with me...I do want to be in a relationship...I do want to feel all of the butterflies...I do want to constantly have him on my mind...I do (dare I say it) want to be in love...but I guess I'm just scared by choosing one over the other I will miss out on something...but then again if I choose no one I will end up alone... and lord knows I don't want that...what's a girl to do...lol my love guru nicole..always tells me I'm young and I should just play the field...ugh but its so hard for an emotional girl like me to even keep up with the score...

Until next time...we will see what this evolves into...

-Beanz

daddy wasn't there there

So after some thought I came to the realization the importance of parents in our lives...and no a parent doesn't have to always be the dna compostions of your existence. An elder in your life that has the time to nurture and care for you and provide the most important thing for you...love....how it seems that love has been lost in translation...we now have phrases such a tough love...to replace the inaudible gesture...that helps us to feel affirmed in a sense closer to God. Then again for some of us this love is lost not in translation but simply non-exisitent....I used to think my father being absent from my life had no effect on me. I've got a pretty great head on my shoulders...I'm very loving...I'm intelligent...the list of great qualities could go on...but with every pro there's a con and althought all of my pros do not have a counterpart con...a generalization of a particularly large con covers it all...I have an emotional deficit..it causes me to be over sensitive..self doubtful..insecure...and moody..while these seem like the contemporary traits of your average female...there's something about these traits I realize have a common ground..while some people over time can conquer these misgivings..mine seem like a circotous battle only to be temporary subdued when I feel validation. Validation from whom? A man of course....but what type of man? A man like my father...haha..funny thing is my dad was only in my life spordiacally..so he's kinf of like a stranger but apperantly those moments were very impactful. I always remembered my dad as loud, powerful, charming, popular, handsome guy who would carry me on his shoulders and tell me to pick out a barbie...and then the moment when I hated him..the night he slapped me in the face and told me to shut up and go to sleep...I was crying for my mother and couldn't sleep...I wanted her but instead he came with a firey hand of passion..giving me something to cry about..these make up the flashbacks I have of him..

Then I flashforward to my life now...my situations with men...I'm attracted to the popular, charming ,boisterous and loud guys some may call them the confident guys...the men that know who they are...I often loathe the needy sensitive men...they don't fill my void. Then I realize when a man sort of has this dominance over me I cower.my words become baffled..I'm no longer the outspoken..articulate woman I know of..then they sense this weakness...I presume and just like that the relationship heads south...and I'm left to wonder what happened why didn't work..why do I feel so empty again...and then I remember daddy wasn't there..

-Beanz

free

And it has been done...the last post I wasn't happy...I wasn't that I was unhappy...it was moreso me just being there...not living it and not loving it. It took another man's advice for me to realize that where I was lacking is what I was trying to fill with this guy that loved me enough to make it feel like there wasn't a void. I couldn't allow myself to fall into that abyss of despair, that many women fall into. I want to know what real love is like what it feels like when you can't imagine being without the other...yeah I know that it won't be perfect...its not supposed to be..but it should be close. One day it will come and it will be right and I can't wait until it does...I will continue to be hopefully..
Beanz

It Might Just Be Me

Its me again...

It's not that you miss past relationships. You just miss the person you thought they were-Rev Run

Dating should be less about your outward circumstances, and more about meeting you INNER needs. If you notice the same traits in people you date over and over... Face It! Your the one who needs to change! - Rev Run

In response I'm thinkin Rev Run is right... It might just be me. I'll admit it... and there you have it ladies and gentlemen

-Mcgee

love don't live here anymore

so with the holiday season approaching i'm beginning to feel really anti love...yeah im in a supposed realtionship..but what good is it when your guard is constantly up..i don't want to give in because the outcome would surely be heartache...i don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to love//haha where is my mr.right..i feel as though im settling for mr. right now..or maybe im just not giving it a chance to grow..he's sooo into me...does everything..well almost everything i've ever complained that a guy does not do but *sigh* my heart is still drifting in limbo...waiting for the spark...i always say im too busy for a relationship..or just not ready but i can't keep running from love forever? right?

i think i've been brainwashed by the romance movies..to think that love includes this a-ha! moment followed but "warm and fuzzy feelings" and deep and passionate kiss..then a night of passion..waking up thankful that such a person exists! but does he..where can i find him? I want that..but it seems like when i think i find that..surely reality smacks my shortlied fantasy in the face...and all of his shortcomings are revealed.

I spoke to one guy who told me the list of the type of woman he wanted...and then he told me how he really didn't expect to find her. he told me he believes in the 80/20 rule...that your lover will only match up with 80% of what you desire and the lacking latter is something you just have to deal with...hmm sounds reasonable..well then i listen to joyce little on the radio to hear one of her psychologists declare that a good man needs a good woman...he went on to to further explain that..that most good men can be made..there's a good man hiding in most men and it takes the right woman to get it out of him...a woman that doesn't settle for just average behavior, has her own mind, and is encouraging...ahh but i digress..i have work to do..i'll get back to this and love later

Beanz