reflections

So as I look back over this past year I've had my highs and lows with both CB's and old and new crushes...but no relationship. Ive spent the past 3 years single so I'm hoping 2010 will be different if God willing. Hope everyone has a Happy New Year!! Much Love

-McGee

first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage...

I've been battling these thoughts for a while now... ever now and then I find myself regressing into daydreams about my wedding and having a child...and then when I snap back into reality...my reality that is....I shudder at the thoughts...now don't get me wrong I want to get married and enjoy my first bundle of joy...bur I start to think..these thoughts are quite unrealistic for myself...I am I really ready for such commitments? I mean how will I know...I guess my maternal clock isn't ticking just yet and the wedding bells aren't tolling loud enough for me to hear...its like sometimes I feel like I want meet him fall in love and get married but then I start to think about other guys...lol....and how good they look too..but then again...ughhhhh...I'm tired...lol

Beanz..

They'll Never Know

Sooooooo... Slowly I see a change within myself. Letting go and accepting certain situations that arise are starting to become easier. Although I do still get angry and upset when things suddenly end without any warning... or somethin out of the ordinary happens that I just don't understand... I am a person who needs closure, that and I am a person who is always tryin to figure out why people do the things they do... It can be irritating but the minds of people intrigue me... I value my friendships almost at the level that I do my family. I do not date much and there are very few guys that I like and that can actually keep my attention... and those who do are the guys who often have alternative motives and our "fling" never lasts long... *sigh* I can stand not being intimiate with a person but its another thing to stop talking altogether. Im not one to be attached sexually but mentally (friendship) that's what bothers/hurts me the most when the "fling" is over... but they'll never know that cause you should never let them see you sweat! Thank goodness for my blog. With that said *deuces* everyone. Happy Holidays

*McGee*

The situation

So I'm watching this show on MTV called

Jersey Shore

...I must admit I have to add it to my reality show guilty pleasures... now on this particular episodes on of the girls Sammi.started off dating this one guy named Mike in the house..he calls himself the situation...later in the episode she finds herself feeling another housemate Ronnie more...and while all the housemates decide to go to the club...sammie decides go after the other housemate ronnie...right in front of mike...heartbroken mike confronts her in a rage...she brushes him off and said she liked ronnie more and went after what she wanted..(granted of course this show is edited so there could've been some inbetween situation that occured) anyways mike is left looking like a fool and highly upset that sammie choose another guy over him when he thought he had her in the bag. The reason why this struck me as an interesting episode is because this is the first time that I've witnessed a woman having total control over her situation. She liked mike at first and had her way with him...(bc they were into each other at first) and then when she saw someone else that she truely wanted she wasn't afraid to let go and get it.

I feel as though sometimes we women let fear constrict our hearts to often. Even while we are dating a guy. Bear in mind we may not dislike him but at the same time he may not be exactly what we want. ( I may speak for myself on this issue) but I feel as though we have a hard time letting a man go. We have the fear that omg if I let him go another man may not come around or we think no one else will treat us as well. Now I'm not saying let go of a good man who treats you extremely well...but I'm saying if you do an inventory check on the man you're with and he doesn't add up to what you expect and there's a better option...my thoughts lean towards that fear we have to keep that not so good guy there just because he is semi good.

Take for instance for ladies who are in bad relationships where the guy has done just enough to make you feel bad for brining up his faults...those ladies fall into this spiral of denial and then assume the problem is them and if they let this guy go then that's it...they won't find anyone else.

Or take another instance for the lady who has invested so muvh time in building up her man that she feels as though all will be lost if she leaves him...and even if she does she finds herself dipping back to him for that security comfort..

This has got to stop...ladies like I always say don't be afraid to be alone...build on yourself...after all the guy is supposed to come to us..."you know seek us out"..and once you have a nice handful of men seeking you out if you have taken the time to get you together you will have your inventory list together and be able to pick the right one for you..
That's all I got on this one...

I guess I have to keep on watching the show to see how ronnie and sammies realtionship turns out..

Beanz

Thank You God

First and foremost I want to start out by saying that God is good!! I am truly blessed I really am... My friend Sparkle once told me that when you pray to God that you must be Specific. I have crushed on a few guys and have been "blessed" to have them in my life... most of them just flings which maybe lasted give or take a couple of weeks or for those sexual relationships which have lasted a couple of months up to a year, but truly that is not exactly what I wanted. Yes I did get what I wanted which was the chance to "get to know them" and befriend them but it stops there. I guess I wasn't specific enough. I don't want any more sexual relationships... even though they don't ever start out that way but some how end up that way. Not too sure how that really happened. Ive now written God a list of qualities I want my next Man to possess when the time is right... it's long really long but it's at least everything that I am... *sigh*

On another note Ive come to the realization that maybe being in a relationship or even marriage really isn't what it's cracked up to be. Those fantasies of having a wonderful boyfriend who's romantic and close to everything Ive wanted in a guy, a movie perfext proposal, an extravagent wedding, and a fairy tail ending with a wonderful man who will stay faithful and true... yea, hell no. Those thoughts are gone. I cannot take men seriously anymore, I just can't because they are no longer serious. I think it's time to just focus on myself and building a stronger relationship with God and maintain my friendships that I already have now. There is just one person who is in my system but almost on his way out I pray *sigh*

-McGee

ughhh you disgust me

So I just found out that this guy I dated...has been an ass the whole time...he told me that he had a past and that he was the one that hurt the girls...and blah blah blah....but come to find out he has been the panty chasing snake in the grass... it was the other way around...once girls found out his true self..they broke up with him..I can't believe I even felt bad for hurting his feelings...and could you believe that I felt bad for breaking up with him?

The word was that basically this guy has tried to get with all the girls in damn georgia...I was just one of the girls on his list to get...and I let it happen...I gave him a chance...only to find that this mother f**a had me on a list..wow! So I was a simple check mark...I remember how he told me to keep our talking on the hush..he said there were haters out there who would say things..because of his past...I'm not one to be judgemental...we all have some sort of past..so I let it go.

I know we are all imperfect and with every give there is a take...but there's a line...and he crossed it...it doesn't matter anymore that he said I made him change...it doesn't matter to me at all..because you came to me on false pretenses..I was only something you wanted to see if you could get...but you didn't think you would like me as much as you did..my gut told me something wasn't right with you..and now the truth has been revealed and boy..you disgust me.

Beanz

Alone but not lonely

So I've come to realize that society has brainwashed us. We have become self-destuctive hopeless romantics. We believe that there is someone out there waiting for us. Someone that will love us forever and always. We all believe we have a love story waiting to happen. Well I want to tell happily ever tales to F off. How dare you create a false sense of reality for me and expose me to ideals that are not my own. That always me to let me settle for a man who's only "okay" or allow me to convince myself that my bar should be so high that not even the great lord himself could reach it. How dare I believe your lies and fables...that have convinced me that a simple kiss will take all my pain away..

Women..hear me now..we do not need a man to validate who we are as women..there is no prince charming..we must first love ourselves, find ourselves, need ourselves, know ourselves, and know our God before we even think of getting with a man...it is then that we will be discerning enough to know what a good man is and who he is..where we can truely disect a man's true character and decide whether he is even worthy to receive our time...

I'm fed up with the thoughts that having a man or talking to someone is the most important situation of our lives..its not and we need to realize that...I'm about to take a power trip and take a dose of self love before I even continue with these stupid games I play with these men...ughhh..I'm just fine being alone...when you wonder why you don't have a man just understand that you are being sheilded from the wolves out there that prey on the vunerable and desperate hopeless romantics...

I remember this one guy told me...he purposely plays with girls..once he knows that they are into him..then bam its like a switch turns on and uses different skills to see how he can manipulate them...even further...ladies I promise you this exerpt is true to life..you have to be careful out there because some guys really don't give a rats ass..and when you don't love yourself to see these men for what they are you become the next victim..

You become the hopeless romantic on the end of the voicemail to the guy who never called you back when he said he would..you become the victim of the guy who makes false promises to keep you around for his entertainment..and you miss out on the guy who truely does want to love you..because you've given so much energy into something that wasn't meant for you to begin with...and then you blame yourself and the cycle begins again...

Chill out..and be fine with being alone..no matter how long its been..don't let these guys get the best of you..once you know the man you want...who complements you..reach out to him...until then don't just let anyone get on your bus..

That's all for now...

Beanz

"Golden"- By Chrisete Michele

"Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting together

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman can possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
and I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
and I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
and I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Golden
Golden
oh oh my
Golden
Golden love
Cause commitment is golden
Mmm mmm"


I believe these lyrics to be true of love in its sincerest form. What happened to the golden commitments when we fell in love and never got up...I believe this is what I'm searching for.
-Beanz

"we do not own the rights or property of these lyrics..these have been placed here in acknowledgement and creditbility to the artist, songwriter, and producer of this work."

Absolutely

I need to vent really quick:

Men absolutely suck... rude and misleading creatures... unkind, cold hearted, ungenuine assholes that will never express themselves even when they truly dont give a shit about the person they are dealing with... It would be soooo much better if such things such as feeling didnt EXIST!!! geesh To all the men reading this: SCREW YOU!!!! L**** your such a bastard!!!!!!!!!!

-McGee

Lost Without You

Ive been trying to justify why I continue to date all the wrong men or date men with the same characteristics... Just want a sexual relationship. Ive had 1 really good boyfriend who treated me like a queen and its been down hill since then. I asked a guy friend and he said it isn't me but the men I choose to date. Which leads me to believe that Im attracted to the men who won't treat me like I should and need to be treated. Im wondering if it has anything to do with the lack of a father figure in my life... I never met my dad, My Uncle whom I was close to did some real unacceptable things to me, and my Grandfather whom I lived with. Does this have anything to do with why I choose to date the men I date? Ive not had the best relationships with the men closests to me... How do I change this because I want to. Does it begin with self love? I just feel as though growing with such negativity in regards to my family and the lack of a true father figure has contributed to my problem... I think that if I can find the problem then I can find a solution or does the root of the problem matter? What do you guys think? My friends give me advice and tell me what I should do and I respect them and listen to their advice, but I also need to figure some things out on my own. I give good advice and sometimes I should take my own advice and listen to my intuitions... I need to work on that

-McGee