My Final Goodbye

People come into your life for a reason season or lifetime. At some point you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. Everyone has a lesson to teach. Be thankful no matter which lesson plan they were sent to deliver, It’s all for you. So to you I say this:

All good things must come to an end. Thank you for the lessons that you have taught me for you have taught me many things. I will reminisce on the good times as well as the bad times that we once shared. I hope life treats you kind and that God molds you into the man that he wants you to be, I want nothing but the best for you and I hope you have all that you’ve dreamed of. You’ve played a major part in my life and I wish you, joy and happiness. But above all this, I wish you nothing but love. Stay true to yourself and be blessed and know that in my heart you will always be.

Hell Date

I went on a date last night I think it's my fourth date this year :-) and as the night progressed I was reminded more and more of why I hate going on dates... I was completely uninterested in what he had to say, well he wasn't saying much of anything actually. I can't tell you too much about him... but He carried on about his job and the great discounts he receives as a Marriott employee and even talked about the credit card limit... He talked to me about Jersey and mind you when we first met we established that that's where I was from and then in the mist of the conversation says "your from Jersey" and i just gave him this look and was like yes i told you that already only for him to say oh yeah that's one of the things I liked about you o_O He talked about dancing salsa and i told him I enjoyed classical dance (ballet, tap, & Jazz) he didn't have a clue what jazz dance was as he refereed it to something he listened to when he was cooking lol. Then he talked about his first impression with me and how pretty I am and how much he likes my short hair and how I came off to him and even called me boogie *pause* for the record I am NOT boogie and when I asked why he called me boogie he said because I don't like to go to clubs but then later said he liked that about me... I'm a bit confused. I really don't like when people try to change me... I'm not a movie buff and he is and he told me that I'm going to MAKE you like movies... in the back of my mind I'm thinking no the hell your not. He was trying to get me to drink and was disappointed when I told him no... we discussed this on several occasions I DO NOT drink! Not even a glass of wine... NO... shit leave me alone. He carried on more about his job and his hotel discounts and that he wants to take me to Hilton Head... and in my head I'm thinking that means I have to be with you sleep in the same room if not the same bed with you... ummmm I'm straight on that dude doesn't even know me! He asked me ho I felt about him and I told him that's he's a nice guy and that right now I'm just getting out of a situation and he immediately got defensive and was like I'm not tryin to pressure you into a relationship before I could EVEN finish what I was saying. Then says that we can just be cool and hang out and then maybe be friends with benefits or we could play to by ear and see where it goes or if it turns into a relationship... in the the back of my mind all I could think of was how to get away from him. We were waiting on more food he ordered and it felt like it took them an hour to get it too us. The quicker they gave us our food the quicker I could get the hell out of there and be on my way. Food came and we left FINALLY. As he was walking me to my car he grabbed my hand... I cringed im NOT a touchy feely person when I first meet someone that was a bit much for me I wasn't ready for that. But what makes it worse is once again we established I do NOT like cigarettes and what does he do takes one out and smokes it. I fan the smoke away from my face and he puts it out... Im thinking why would you do that Im allergic to smoke you dumb-ass... I've never been more excited to get to my car... I don't want to go on dates anymore. It wasn't THAT bad of a date but I can honestly say I won't be going out with him again... What sucks is that he is a good handsome guy but Im just not that into him :-( NEXT!!!!

-Mcgee

Men Lie, Women Lie, but the truth don't lie.

How does it feel when you've invested your heart into something you thought would have potential, reveals its ugly truth?

He would kiss you and his lips would say I want a future with you. He would hug you and his arms would feel like he would never let go. When you laid down with him, that night would transcend into the morning when your body felt like it was only for him. Then it hits you when you're making 90% of the calls and texts go unanswered for days, with the excuse, "oh I've been busy" is your only resolve. Yet, you press on because he reminds you that one day soon he will take you to the top with him, but these are just words... The time you spend becomes routine... an indentation in his to do list....

Who's that girl, falls from your lips...just a homegirl, ain't nobody, ain't shit...flashes you a smile and caresses your hips, sex and a movie checked off his list. You keep giving and giving going above and beyond for his birthday you get him more than a card...you remember the little things he likes, that you love, and all you get in return is a thankyou and a thats's what's up.

He always told you actions spoke louder than words...days went by when his actions went unheard. Not even a simple act of kindness he barely bothered to show...as long as he gave the bare minimum of loyalty he had done enough. You grew tired and weary but keep hope on a tight leash...thinking one day the bitch would bark right up your tree, so that the love you had given and invested your time in, would return with a man that now chose to be more than friends.

Almost a year has gone by and you've settled for this basic love, ignoring the truth and praying for more. Your prayer is answered when a woman on the same quest, sends you a message asking "well how do YOU know him", your heart pounds as you begin to realize the truth, because to her you were homegirl, the nobody, the ain't shit truth.

These are the type of memories our minds have to keep, the type of pains that quicken our heart beat, the type of stories we later confess, when another man wonders why you seem to love him less. Love is a risky investment to make but at the end of the day its the only worthy risk we have to take.

-as told to beanz

cry baby

I just watched Love and Basketball and seeing it for the umpth-teenth time still evoked the same emotions as it did when I saw it the first time. In the end when they embrace, after the game becomes a double or nothing, I cry. I don't boo who like I did when I first saw it but I let a tear or two roll down my face. The scene reminds me of the first time I felt like I was in love... I was young so that's why I consider it a thought and not the reality (I just tell myself that but I was in love). We were young and everything was so raw and so real and then he hurt me. I choked when I asked him, Why? I cried even harder when he didn't have a logical answer. It was then I decided I didn't want to give my heart ever again, no man was deserving of it. I was young and I had experienced my first love and loss but I realized it was the greatest thrill of my life and even though I tried to convince myself I wouldn't give my heart out again, I couldn't help but to secretly hope I would feel that rush again. Everytime I watch that scene I go through the emotions of what it feels like to have loved and loss and then love again. At this point I've been rebuilding my heart so that its strong enough to love again even if there's pain involved.

-beanz

Kick Rocks

I guess I am unaware of the effects I have on the men I meet due to my actions or lack there of.

SCENARIO: I meet this guy we exchange numbers I initiated it because he seems like a cool guy. we had a few conversations then one day he insisted on seeing me before he left to go out of town and so I met up with him. We talked for a little while and then I kissed him on the lips before we parted (SN: I didn't want to kiss him but felt that was the only way to get him out my face) After we parted we didn't really have too many phone conversation there after and that is where the drama begins.

HIS SIDE: So according to him when I sent him a BBM today he was upset with me because it took me 4 months to finally make the initiative to contact him and was upset that I never called him back (I don;t remember saying that I would call him back but, OK). He was also upset because we had kissed and he doesn't kiss his female friends and hopes I don't kiss my guy friends either... With that being said he admitted that I had crushed his ego... He accused me of being gay (I suppose because I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him) then told me to kick rocks (I told him to do the same)... then proceeded to deleted me off his BBM.

MY SIDE: In my defense I had no idea I crushed his ego. In fact I did not even realize he cared so much nor that it was that "big" of a deal... I do feel bad and I did apologize because I know how it feels to be led on only to find out things weren't as they had seemed BUT I don't see HOW I lead him on. We never discussed a relationship or anything of that nature just basic conversation getting to know one another and we were never intimate other than that one kiss... But everyone is different and some are more sensitive than others as I am realizing...

MY LESSON: I want men to be honest with me and not tell me what I want to hear or to be led on. So I suppose I need to be a bit more careful and up front and honest about how I feel about someone and tell them my intentions/what I want out the situation as I would want a guy to do to me. so what goes around comes around and now I see how my "innocent" actions have had a MAJOR effect on someone else. So do unto others as you would have others do unto you... Now if you'd excuse me I have some rocks to go kick :-)

-Mcgee

When the water runs Dry....

A couple of days ago I heard the debut of Kandi's new song called LEAVE YOU. (Good song by the way) Basically, in the song she sings about leaving her current man for another who will treat her like he used to treat her when they first met. It made me think hmmm, it does seem like some men are just date for the thrill of the chase. They find a woman who seems unattainable, converse with her to see where her head is at, and then map out a strategy to pursue her. Now during this pursuit they will spend money, esp. If they have it to their disposal, they will open doors for her, listen to her problems, text her good morning everyday, shower her with compliments until she begins to think "beautiful" or "so amazing" are her first names, and make her feel special. During this pursuit the man will have managed to momentarily convince himself that she is all that he desires, because the thrill of it all gets his adrenaline going.

Then it happens they win your heart only for the romanticism to come to a mere "you look aight" and your calls start to go unanswered. The thrill is gone and his desire has simmered down. You now have the title of his "main" chic, if and only if you haven't been demoted to casual confidant. So ladies what do we do when we find ourselves vunerable and ready but now our love life seems lack luster? When the shakespeare we first met no longer writes sonnets in our honor? Do we leave him like kandi would or do we stay and hope the fire re-kindles? What do we do when the water runs dry?

Food for thought.. I'll have an answer in my next post.

***disclaimer: not ALL men do this but a nice majority.

-beanz

One Day soon

One day ill get the guts to lay it all out on the line. One day ill have the guts to tell you how much I miss you when im not with you but sometimes when im with you I wonder why I missed you in the first place. One day ill have the guts to tell you that I love you not although im not in love with you. One day ill have the guts to tell you that every time I send a text, call, or are on my way to see you I get butterflies in my stomach. One day ill have the guts to tell you how much I hate you. One day ill have the guts to tell you that I like when you kiss me, hug me, and sex me and that you don't do it nearly enough. One day ill have the guts to tell you that there’s no better place to be than in yours arms, the one that I adore. One day ill have the guts to tell you that I like to make you smile and seeing you happy makes me smile. One day ill have the guts to tell you that it kills me that I don’t know how you feel. One day ill have the guts to tell you about yourself. One day ill have the guts to tell you that I have the hardest time speaking my mind when it comes to you. One day ill have the guts to tell you that at times your intimidating to me. One day ill have the guts to tell you that your updated statuses do briefly upset me at times. One day ill be able to confront you on our plans for the future. One day ill have the guts to tell you that id wish you’d open up to me. One day ill have the guts to let it go and accept that what is meant to be will be. That one day I hope that day comes soon…

-Mcgee

Make-up Bag

Have you every wondered what it would happen if you got a chance to talk to someone you ended a relationship and finally get some answers, esp. If the breakup wasn't amicable? Well I did :

Over the weekend I had the chance to catch up with an old flame of mine (lol I sound old saying that). After a couple of dates and 'that thing' we stopped talking. Well actually it ended with a big disagreement, I was supposed to come over to his new place and we were going to just have a stay in and watch movies type of night. I had purchased a house warming gift for him and everything. Then he asks me to go get him a cigar casing, which would be used for his expendable habit. He knew I wasn't a fan of that form of a pass-time. I refused to go get it and he did not pick up my call when I called back to get the gate code. Ewwww cold blooded. I was pissed but I got over him and moved on to the next.

Flash foward to our recent meeting. This fool hits me up because he wants to hang, a year has gone by since that cold day, so I oblige why because he's treating and he was fine as ooohh wee. We talk about what was and I remind him that he played me he gave me this long sob story about how he was going through things, he wasn't ready for anything serious and blah blah blah. Then I reminded him that no that wasn't it he blew me off for mary-jane. He laughed and said "oh yeah, that's because you couldn't accept me for who I am." I wanted to punch him, I told him he was contradicting himself because that meant he didn't accept me for who I was considering mary-jane and I didn't hang out. Ugh it was childish, he just ended up apologizing and got down to the truth of it all. He lost interest because I wore make-up. He "hated" girls who wore it, he was a fan of the au natural look. I laughed at that, here I am thinking that a little tap here and there enhanced my beauty but in his eyes it hid it.

The truth shall set you free...I closed that chapter and left a stain with my lipstick.

-Beanz

Relationship Do's and Dont's according to Beanz N Mcgee

1. Don't cry over a guy who isn't crying over you
2. Don't let him borrow any money but if you have to no more than $20
3. Don't go through a guys personal belongings phone, e-mails, drawers, etc
4. Don't assume your in a relationship until it is agreed upon
5. Don't tell your friends about your relationship problems you can forgive him or her but your friends won't
6. Don't believe everything he or she says watch what they do. Actions speak louder than words
7. Don't give up the goods right away. Make him work/wait for it
8. Don't ever let them see you sweat
9. Don't go out your way or do somethin for the other person if you know they wouldn't do the same for you
10. Don't borrow someone else's man
11.Don't put all your eggs in one basket
12. Don't be a booty call - Mcgee

12. Do let a man be a man *this only applies to a man worthy of the title, boys still need training
13. Do allow yourself to be single, *you don't have to accept every offer an man gives you.
14. Do allow yourself to be vunerable, * cut off the independent woman theme song in your head sometimes
15. Do follow your intuition, *if you feel and know he's up to no good believe it, no need to nag, gather your evidence and leave.
16.Do know yourself before you show yourself, *know who you are and understand yourself, because you can't expect a man to automatically understand you, if you can't understand why you do the things you do then you aren't ready for a relationship.
17. Do own your womanhood, *a man wants a woman, not a little girl or homeboy.
18. Do know your body's needs and wants and then learn his too, *don't be afraid to have a little trick up your sleve, if you and the man ever part don't ever let him forget that little thing you and only you knows how to do (this does not always have to be sexual).
19. Do teach a man how you want to be treated, *he will test the boundaries but you set the limits.
20. Do learn to let go, *holding on to what was or what could've been, only keeps you from the truth of what actually is.
21. Eat, Pray, Love *Not only a good book/movie but a good mantra.- Beanz