love letters

I was laying here thinking about the various types of men I've been with. I've been with a "thug", seriously he was a gang banger. I've been with a "casanova", lol this guy used to wear fur coats to the club and would ask me to hold it while we danced and all hell would break loose if I or anyone else would dare step on his shoes. I've dated an "athlete", he was a top ball player for one of the neighboring universities near mine, and let's just say I learned what the term groupie was at a young age, hence why I despise any woman who stoops to that level. I've dated a few local celebs, mostly trying to make it rappers who have their song on the local radio.lol. I've dated the "intellect", I had to step my political, financial, and classic novels knowledge up. I dated a club promoter who taught me the street hustle.Those were the poignant few I remember that stood out because their character titles fit them soooo well. I currently date a model. But the one I remember most was the man who wrote me love letters.

After dating all these different types of men, I remember how I would pray to God to send me a different type of man a better man. You know caring, understanding of my needs, sensitive, God fearing, etc. I mean I went hard with it. I always told myself if I keep having the same problem with men being users and not valuing me, then the problem isn't them its me. There was something about me that opened the door for them to treat me a certain way or get in a relationship with me, have sex and be done with the romance they used to win me over. It was a deblitating pattern. So I went on a quest to nuture the woman in me and I became celibate. I wouldn't even open my legs for the finest of men, they would just have to lay in the bed and deal with their hardened problem. I began to gain more confidence and learn how to woo men with my character rather than just with my beauty.

Then he came into my life, he wasn't the most handsome of men but something about him intrigued me. I could go down my checklist of what I want in man and easily check them off. Then he did something I never expected he wrote me love letters. Not the movie type love letters, but letters where he shared with me what he could not speak. He ran deeper into my mind and expressed what my mind did to him. It won me. I thought each letter was the most beautiful thing I could have ever imagined. He would also attach a cd of music complied with songs we both adored and songs that made him think of me. It was the best type of romance this type of girl could've asked for.

But then the scared "beanz" came out I was beginning to feel things and I thought if I open up all the way some how he is going to hurt me. So I pulled away and I pushed him away. And we began to speak less and less. The last letter he wrote me kind of foreshadowed what was beginning to occur. He left me with the words: and even if we grow a part I can feel you were brought into my life for a reason, you have opened up a side of my that I shut off for so long and I thank you. I cried when I read that because I knew our rendezvous was coming to an end all because I couldn't handle not being in control of emotions.

I still have his letters and my pretty sure he still has mine, I just want to remind everyone to pay attention to who comes into your life. Learn to let go when their time is up and re-evaluate yourself after they have made their depature. Are you stronger, wiser, more kind? Even if it was on bad terms, always seek to learn more about yourself and in time you will begin to find out what makes you truly happy.

-Beanz