Its Clear

Its clear that I am truly wasting my time…. To him I am a weak female when honestly and truly im not… I care for someone who I believe in return is just milking me for all that I am worth… he doesn’t really care like I thought and all the things he said about marriage which became being friends, to taking me with me when he makes it to the top is all just some game and I know it… He doesn’t do too much for me but take and take and take. I think he’s maybe cooked me dinner once, paid for a movie ticket once or twice and occasionally dinner… This doesn't even compare to what all I have done. And here I still feel sorry and still care and will go out of my way for him…. I put myself through some stupid shit and I know better. He doesn’t care and not many men do! I am not appreciated by any means or respected… but what does that say about his character a trifling man. I do too much I give to much of myself and people take full advantage… I have the hardest time speaking my mind. If only I can say how I really feel without caring what others think I probably wouldn't be in this predicament. I just want to love and be loved but apparently that would be askin way too much. He’s not totally to blame for this because I allowed it to happen. This is the second time this has happened, first with my ex and now him. I have got to put an end to this. I doubt seriously that the things Ive done for him he would do in return for me…. And that’s sad. And for some reason through all of this I am having a hard time letting go. Ive got to be strong and realize that I am worth so much more… so much more. I go into these situations knowing what the deal is and still continue to deal with it. Sometimes I have my days where I am strong and know that I am worth more and then other times I don’t care and get sucked back in… This is what happens when you lower your standards and step out of reality and think about the potential of what could be… I know not all men are trifling gold diggers. Never had a father figure in my life or if I did they some how did me wrong and this is no different from the men who I seem to be attracted too, daddy wasn’t there to love and nurture me and neither are any of them. And when a really good guy does step to me I pass him up for what I am comfortable with the one who resembles my father. What will it take for me to allow myself to realize that I am worthy of a good man? I don’t know but hopefully God will see me through.

-Mcgee