"Different"

Have you ever taken the time to look inside yourself? I mean really examine your character, your demeanor, your intangible assets? I've always been the type to do such things, I carefully analyze where I have grown and parts of myself that have suffered from some sort of emotional depletion. Honestly, most people don't take the time to do this because they are often afraid of what they might find, they afraid of facing that ugly side of them that is insecure, that suffers from jealously, that is a little bit ignorant, one that is sensitive and weak and that side that just might be that BITCH everyone whispers loudly about. I consider this self-analyzation one that is both a gift and a curse. On one hand I take a positive self-inventory and I refurbish what is missing and I eliminate what does not belong. On the other hand others perception of me affect me greatly, it makes me sensitive.

I have constantly battled with trying to teach myself not to give a damn, with my feelings of conforming. I mean seriously who wants to be a pageant girl all of their life, where everything is all smile and wave? This behavior of mine has played to my advantage in my relationships. Sometimes we women do not give enough credit to men and their intuivness. We assume everything is a how fast can I sleep with her game? It's not although for some it may be, depending on the woman. I've learned that as soon as a man has his first conversation with you he already knows how everything is going to span out. 1. He will realize there is an area of insecurity and vunerablity, now if its coupled with intruging character traits he may choose to want to get to know a woman further or if he becomes disinterested he will prey on that weakness. 2. He will realize that the woman exudes a certain confidence and mystique and he will want to pursue her, for she is an interesting challenge. 3. He may find the woman interesting but feel as though she may make a great friend, someone to simply chill with. As the conversation ends both may realize it was enjoyable and it may end with a good-bye, nice speaking with you . The pivotal moment where you may exchange numbers occurs and by that first conversation he has summed up what will happen when you call or he knows the intent to which he will call you. 1. Sex or 2. Conversation...lol..then sex.

I gave this brief man brain synopsis to give a sort of background to how I learned to read a man's face and understand them when they would tell me you're different, there's something I like about you. For years those words haunted me, only because everytime I would hear them the same actions would follow. The man and I have day long conversations, he wines and dines me, tells me his hopes and fears, admits that he's not yet ready for the real love deal but somehow I make him feel it. The good part ends there because then in my world it transitions into another phase, the phase when I'm left all alone and confused by why we no longer speak and wondering what happened?

After sometime I realize why the pattern was the same, in the beginning I didn't care or give a damn. I would tell the manthe truth, I would argue over opinion, I would tell jokes, I would be myself.... but as soon as any emotion would flush in I would change now I was afraid to give my opinion, I would tell him what he wanted to hear, I would give him what he may have not deserved (that was easy!), I would become like the other women he has dated and dismissed, I would lose that shine that made me different in his eyes. The good ole smile and wave would win in my internal battle because I didn't master myself enough to manage myself when I began to love.

-Beanz