daddy wasn't there there

So after some thought I came to the realization the importance of parents in our lives...and no a parent doesn't have to always be the dna compostions of your existence. An elder in your life that has the time to nurture and care for you and provide the most important thing for you...love....how it seems that love has been lost in translation...we now have phrases such a tough love...to replace the inaudible gesture...that helps us to feel affirmed in a sense closer to God. Then again for some of us this love is lost not in translation but simply non-exisitent....I used to think my father being absent from my life had no effect on me. I've got a pretty great head on my shoulders...I'm very loving...I'm intelligent...the list of great qualities could go on...but with every pro there's a con and althought all of my pros do not have a counterpart con...a generalization of a particularly large con covers it all...I have an emotional deficit..it causes me to be over sensitive..self doubtful..insecure...and moody..while these seem like the contemporary traits of your average female...there's something about these traits I realize have a common ground..while some people over time can conquer these misgivings..mine seem like a circotous battle only to be temporary subdued when I feel validation. Validation from whom? A man of course....but what type of man? A man like my father...haha..funny thing is my dad was only in my life spordiacally..so he's kinf of like a stranger but apperantly those moments were very impactful. I always remembered my dad as loud, powerful, charming, popular, handsome guy who would carry me on his shoulders and tell me to pick out a barbie...and then the moment when I hated him..the night he slapped me in the face and told me to shut up and go to sleep...I was crying for my mother and couldn't sleep...I wanted her but instead he came with a firey hand of passion..giving me something to cry about..these make up the flashbacks I have of him..

Then I flashforward to my life now...my situations with men...I'm attracted to the popular, charming ,boisterous and loud guys some may call them the confident guys...the men that know who they are...I often loathe the needy sensitive men...they don't fill my void. Then I realize when a man sort of has this dominance over me I cower.my words become baffled..I'm no longer the outspoken..articulate woman I know of..then they sense this weakness...I presume and just like that the relationship heads south...and I'm left to wonder what happened why didn't work..why do I feel so empty again...and then I remember daddy wasn't there..

-Beanz